Has-beens and still-ares

5.10.

"I'd rather die before I get old" - My Generation by The Who

Yep, it's a nasty thing to say... But Halford's voice ain't what it used to be. Or Ozzy's. Or Paul Stanley's. Or Bruce Dickinson's. Energetic rockers getting grey or bald... losing their sight or losing their attitude... Backs getting sore and bent... Still they keep doing what they do - which is kind of cool, but not always graceful.

... Or the scary Pilot? Or is this the newest Eddie painting?

The Iron-Lunged Rock Star...

Some people persist these people are metal legends, god-like unfaltering idols to be worshipped. For me, metal or rock in general was never about perfection - bum notes and bad gigs are part of what makes it interesting, exactly like missteps in bands direction or uninspired songwriting. No-one - I really mean - no-one should automatically be above criticism. Rock is all about honesty and openness. So, even if I think Powerslave or Painkiller are one of the best albums ever released, that does NOT automatically make me bow to The Final Front-rear or Nostr-ass-mus. It's a matter of taste, not life and death:)

... or Bald butt, a nice Stubble?

Bald Chin, but a Nice Stubble..

Yup, my approach is pretty nasty as everyone gets old. And the past albums are so good, it is very difficult for these bands (or any other??) to top those - or at least come decently close. But that's how rock and metal is... And for me, it's in many cases a question of energy. The faster you play the track, the better it sounds. I choose Slayer over Satriani, though if you talk about melody and style, I have no supporting arguments. Satriani is more skilled obviously and more melodic, but as a whole album length it gets boring. Slayer can be very monotonous too, but at least they have the energy and the fury. I like it, that's the difference. With Slayer, yeah Araya's vocals are getting weaker and more broken, but I think they still nail it with songs like Psychopathy Red or Unit 731. Morbid Angel really soiled themselves with their latest offering Illud In Anus, but that's a stylistical problem - they may some day still make a good death metal album. With Priest or Maiden it seems that they are trying hard to make great classic metal albums but they end up sounding like a bunch of retired old farts... Which in reality is more or less what they are.

Gene, take that make-up off! You're scaring the kids... wait, what? Errr... Gene, how about putting that make-up back on...

So no, I don't like their new albums. I much rather listen to they newest Skunk Anansie album than the newest Iron Maiden album. But, ain't it amazing how good those old, great metal albums still sound? I'd still much rather listen to them - that's the beauty of it. One great album lasts a lifetime - even if they are rarely released, each one retains its strength and vision. Black Sabbath's Master of Reality still sounds brilliant, even though there are nowadays a zillion faster and heavier bands out there. So, I appreciate some of these old, great groups (only the ones I personally like, so no Led Zeppelin for me or Mötley Crüe or - god forbid - Guns 'n' Asses).  Sabbath, Priest, Maiden - These old, pioneering bands made this all possible, they created the cornerstone albums for others to expand on, but they also taught me NOT to listen to the topten shit. If something is popular, it's not automatically good, it's more important to listen for yourself and if you don't like what you hear, you owe it to yourself to admit it.

So, rock on old geezers and grannies - But do it for yourselves, not for me. Oh yeah, and one thing... If you really believe your latest album is your best one (or at least in the top 5) why do you always, ALWAYS say it reminds in its style your most classic albums? If you really can't hear it is shit and have lost the skill of hearing, how come you still seem to be able to compare it to the albums that are generally considered great? Compare it to Asylum and Crazy Nights, Turbo and Point of Entry, X Factor and Virtual XI next time!

My Priest Collection (check Maiden, one post earlier)

Here's my Judas Priest collection - I don't want to brag, but look at it! It's HUUUUGE and ALL KILLER! Every track blows your mind! I will give up this collection OVER MY DEAD BODY!

I couldn't fit it all here, so this is only my idea of the highlights... Oh, so you saw the skull and brains there?... Ooops... Don't even ask why they are on my cd shelves... It's a sad story about a stupid, tasteless me.

... Well, as you can see, I don't have anything really rare, basic stuff you can buy in your local supermarket. But maaaan, what a great band Priest is. My favourite, by the way.

Some of 'em nasty single covers... Not my favourite era, but looks good for a single.

...Well, they do have some albums that suck. Like Turbo. What a piece of shit. Oh yeah, and the Ripper Owens albums. And their latest couple of albums. And Point of Entry should be buried in that desert it has on the cover of the US version. But the rest of it is ALL KILLER!!! PAINKILLEEEERRRR!!!

The evolution of the Painkiller-snakebike thingy. A flying bike... and an ... Angel? Painkiller is a metal angel? Err...

Err... Well, maybe British Steel is a bit overrated and has way too simple song structures, even though many Priest maniacs claim it is a masterpiece. And Ram it Down is decent, but rather forgettable. But all of their 70s albums are BRILLIANT! All their 70s albums, think about it, UNLEASHED IN THE EAST, SAD WINGS OF DESTINY, SIN AFTER SIN, STAINED CLASS and KILLING MACHINE! Nothing weak or mediocre there... no skeletons in the closet!!!! ...Except for Rocka Rolla, which has a lame cover and is a lame blues album. Daammmmmnnnn....

In the wild nature, if you have two box sets of the same species...

 Yeah, quite a few of 'em old, bad albums. Coming to think of it, what a shitty band. Anyone interested in buying this set from me so it won't ruining my shelves any longer? No? I'll sell it cheap!! Still no? Anyone willing to change it to Cinderella and Justin Bieber records? No? No-one....? Okay, yeah, I understand. Forget it. By the way, you suck >:( Pox upon thee and haue mercy not, mere wrath o Metallion! WRATH!

...they can be crossbred to produce savage offspring. And I ain't talkin' 

'bout the band...

What went wrong with Maiden... And a few photos of my Maiden collection (logical combination???) and this title is getting very long and annoying. I better stop it right now. Yes, I must do that right away. Immediately. Pronto.

22.9.

This is my Maiden collection (except for Eddie's Archive and a few dvds - So I guess I cannot be considered a real fan:D Real Maiden fans have to have much more stuff, even shitty albums... Notice all this is from the 80s:)

Iron Maiden, one of my all time favorites, is one of those bands who seems to be Caught in a specific Time, if you catch my haiku. I mean, think about the 80s and if you leave the thrash bands out (earliest of which only really started to record in roughly 1983) there is nothing quite like Maiden. Even my number one band, Judas Priest clearly pales in comparison - Maiden made 7 perfect studioalbums, one perfect live album and 20 something maxisingles with material that in many cases could nicely fit on most bands' albums. The song-writing was near perfect (often thanks to Steve Harris) with heavy, yet catchy riffs and on each album would in some cases grow to real, epic masterpieces. Yet they always had songs like Wrathchild or Iron Maiden to give their audience instant, easy pleasure. Bruce Dickinson seemed to be invincible, the perfect front man ranting the audiences into rage against radio stations and their policies, hair metal, posers, whatnot.

All the four full-length official* live albums (with their studio counterparts) I know of that they released in the 80s. Maiden England came with the Vhs back in the day, Beast over Hammersmith is in Eddie's Archive and Maiden Japan... well, we'll get to that later...

In 1988, 1989 they seemed to be on top of the world... So what the hell happened in the 90s? It seems overnight they turned into something, Bruce later called (after having left the band to start a solo career) a bunch of b-rate has-beens.

Well, yeah... Maiden Japan (17 track version) is not official, rather semi-official to be honest:) But it was given to the members of Japanese Iron Maiden fan club members and it sounds pretty damn good.

Well, it is obvious Adrian Smith left the band. Yes, guitarists are no virtuoses in Iron Maiden, but Smith's chemistry with Murray never quite seemed to be duplicated by "Jan Snickers" - even though he is in no way a bad player (check out the stuff he did with Gillan *IF YOU don't BELIEVE ME*). Yup, that's one reason, but hardly everything. Another reason is that the quality of song-writing, Maiden's most crucial backbone, is decreasing rapidly. Check out songs like Holy Smoke or Wasting Love (both of these are actually single cuts... Can you believe it???) and you hear immediately this stuff would not have made it in their 80s albums.Or how about From Here to Eternity? Or Weekend Warrior? Holy Sm... Shit! Third reason might be the fact that Dickinson's voice chords had suffered greatly with the gruelling tour schedule Maiden has and did not have enough time to recover until he quit the band.

Just in case, here's the tracklist. It's really good, maybe the heaviest and best live album they ever released in terms of intensity and energy - Di'Anno's singing style does, however, put some people off.

But, to be fair, Fear of the Dark's title track is okay, especially in a live setting. The Assassin kicks ass, as does Be Quick or Be Dead. Harris wanted to go back to the roots and make shorter, more vicious tracks and in some cases he managed to do precisely that. But Wasting Love? Come on, tracks like that fail to deliver what Maiden had always been about. On the other hand, you could also argue how the hard touring had taken its toll and that they already were in a steady decline in the end of the 80s. I mean, I've always considered Somewhere in Time one of their greatest albums, but songs like Wasted Years and Stranger are in essence pop songs played by a rock band. For some reason many Maiden fans go on and on about how great Seventh Son is, but to be honest songs like Can I Play with Madness have nothing to do with classic, great metal and everything to do with pop groups like Duran Duran...

Maybe my favourite maxisingle cover Maiden has... And a nice example that not all Maiden songs are about history or war or airplanes...

On Seventh Son, I think there is only one amazing track - Infinite Dreams. It flows beautifully eventhough there are quite a few surprise changes in the rhythm. Several parts and textures, a trully progressive track without forcing anything. The last real classic Maiden treat. Moonchild is a decent opener, but a far cry from anything the previous albums started with (Aces High? Where Eagles Dare? Caught...? Hell, I'd even rather hear the unintentionally hilarious Invaders...). Can I Play, as mentioned earlier is an atrocity. And the poppy Evil that Men Do doesn't make things much better, though I guess it's the logical continuum for Wasted Years. The title track is boring (the chorus is annoying, the quiet middle section is only a ripoff from Rime of the Ancient Mariner's majestically creaking ship boards) until that last, faster section kicks in. Prophecy gives a promise of something great, but never quite reaches its initial promise, though that acoustic outro really broadens the sound nicely (and is a gentle nod to Black Sabbath's Heaven and Hell, I guess). Clairvoyant is good, but quite soft. And Only the Good Die Young is completely forgettable, though not bad. Such a letdown after tracks like Hallowed, To Tame a Land, Rime... or Alexander the Great on previous albums.

...And here's the final addition, Purgatory maxi single which I didn't yet have when I took the photo from the whole collection of Maidens... Eddie looks like me after a good sauna...

No Prayer really isn't that much worse... Assassin, Public Enema, Fates Warning or Mother Russia are decent, but even the majestic finishing track seems hurried and never reaches its true potential. So, while the drop in the quality isn't a huge one, No Prayer is the first time Maiden fails to make an album with at least one classic, great track and the general quality falls also under the mark of being relevant. In my honest opinion, they never rose to level they maintained throughout the 80s. The Bl-ass Bailey years were the most hideous, the man simply cannot sing the kind of music he was made to sing (yeah, Di'Anno wasn't the greatest singer either, but he, like Bruce, can be considered a singer, not a yoddleying joke). Probably Blaze is a very nice person and a good camarade, and probably he sings well with his other projects. But with Maiden... come on, I even started to hate the Trooper when I had to "enjoy" his interpretation. Bruce's comeback helped a bit, but those long symphonic 8+ minutes songs just drag on and on and repeat the same goddamn riffs until my minuscule brain melts and pours down my ear into a crack in the floor for the ants to eat. All of their 2000s albums make me snore before the halfway - especially compared to those 80s Golden Years... Oops, an unintentional reference...

And here's my collection once more... Notice also the sensual, enticing sleeve of my bath robe...

PRIEST IS BACK... with a timemachine

12.9.

Wow! Tipton catching the last few drops from a beer bottle while being plugged in while Hellion is already playing from the intro tape, Halford hitting 'em high notes and bathing in sweat just after a couple of songs, Hill with his only move, leaning with his bass from side to side, K.K. Downing keeps messing up the guitar parts ever so slightly while being the rock star hot shot to the full and Holland hitting the drums with the most awkward, stiff upper lip style I've ever seen (even Charlie Watts looks more flexible than this guy!). This is the fantastic bonus dvd you get with Screaming for Vengeance 30th anniversary edition - and it's worth every penny! Unlike the earlier British Steel Anniversary Edition which included one of their newest tours, this bonus material is at the heart of the matter - you really feel like being in 1982 (or 1983) all over again, possibly the highest point of the 80s' Priest (yeah, I like the 70s best and Painkiller follows near behind, but this ain't half bad, I assure you). Yes, Priest kicked ass even in the 80s!

"Fetch the Scream Eagles..." - Priest's Saints In Hell 1978

Now, Holland is by far the worst drummer Priest ever played with after the early days (since Sin After Sin they only had good or great drummers like Simon Phillips (though he wasn't a member, only a studio musician), Les Binks (my favourite) and Scott Travis (probably the most technically skilled of these). But still I enjoy seeing Holland with his stiff, silly looking style... And singing background vocals on Breaking the Law... yeah, it seems to take me back to a time which I've never actually even lived (well, I was alive in 1983, but a very, very small child - or baby actually, so I hardly understood Judas Priest back then). Now think if they had removed these Holland sections away (covered the film material with shading, for instance). Holland has been accused of child-molesting in the 2000s, so in our hypersensitive era (and greedy, wanting to avoid any problems posed by court cases) that could be more than enough reason to remove such ex-members. That's what was done to Ozzy's solo albums (though the members were never accused of child molesting or anything criminal, only demanding their royalties). These parts were finally restored in the 2011 remastered editions, but still the Blizzard of Ozz 30th Anniversary set includes very little photos or comments about Kerslake and Daisley.

This version I snapped from a music store in Tokyo

What I love about these older records is that they inevitably sound old - they have a different and warmer sound from these modern death metal discs. That is why faking history (Orwell's 1984?) seems so wrong. You should not tamper with the past. Not because it sounds worse, but because it might not sound worse. I guess younger Ozzy fans might actually enjoy these new versions like "You can't kill rock 'n' roll" with its' longer intro as much or even more than the old versions - which would make all us older fans ancient relics. This sort of propaganda and white-washing of the history has happened in politics and religion, but rock should be about integrity and honesty, about freely expressing yourself and defying all authorities- even if you end up sounding like an idiot. I do not believe rock music is art or should be admired by anyone - if you like metal, then cool, listen to it and enjoy, if you don't like it, then fine, do something you enjoy. For me it's a way of life and a guiding force whereas many would follow the word of God. But I am free to think for myself, free to choose my own path and make stupid mistakes by myself. I don't need to hide behind any false or real idols - that is why this honesty stuff, for me, is so bloody important.

Loudness means war... but not loudness war

9.9.

Their latest release... Wait, what? ... DAMN YOU GOOGLE SEARCH!

Hair metal is not a concept I would ever use in a sentence with the word "quality" (well, unless you count 80s Maiden and Priest albums in, but that's debatable). However, no matter what style of music a band does there are always mediocre and bad examples of bands... So, is there a band that did good hair metal back in the day? (NO, Steel Panther does not count, no matter how funny a novelty it was... besides, I said back in the day, remember?)

This picture is dedicated to the only female reader I have... Oh yeah, and to the 72.674 males belonging to a minority... of still listening to vinyls.

 

 Unless you have heard Shadows of War (aka Ashes in the Sky) by Loudness, you haven't lived. The curiosity with Loudness is they come from Japan, which might put some people off, but with the exception of certain English words being pronounced with a strange accent, this is the real deal to give Van Halen, Iron Maiden or Scorpions a run for their money... even when they were on the top of their games.

Oh, how cute... A baby satan... Possessing the ovaries already, you silly rascal.

Think of the Japanese diligence and precision, and you can guess that Akira Takasaki has to be one mean guitar player - probably the best ever (well, depending on your attitude towards Jimi Hendrix and Steve Vai, I guess). Like Vinnie Vincent, Takasaki is insanely fast and precise, but he has got style and a hint of that bluesy flair Gary Moore is famous for. He is equally convincing with the riffs and guitar solos. Masayoshi Yamashita has clearly learned his Geddy Lee influences, even though he is a bit more relaxed which suits the simpler hair metal style better. Minoru Niihara is well-known from his 80s interviews where he spoke tolerable English, but never answered the actual questions. So yeah, maybe the lyrics are a bit silly or weird, but the man can sing, no questions asked. And Munetaka Higuchi, the drummer, has a relatively simple technique that complements the bass and lightning-fast guitar riffing beautifully.

So the date of birth will be... Uh oh, it was...

The first three  albums, Birthday Eve (1981), Devil Soldier and Law of the Devil's Land could be called classic heavy albums, they are a bit on the dark side, theme is mostly ladies (Sexy Woman, Street Woman, Lonely Player, Girl, Sleepless Nights), but occasionally they drift into Satan (?) (the title tracks and possibly Black Wall) and drugs (??) (Angel Dust and Speed)... I'm mostly guessing as I don't understand the Japanese lyrics... well, except for short sections like "Sayonara". There are also "cool (??" English quotes such as "Deep deep deep night, all night long" which seems to be about... erhm... erhm... You remember with the Beatles, when they sing Please, please me? Loudness has that same air of being polite and perverse at the same time. All three are great albums, my pick of these would be Devil Soldier. The music's awesome, some Rush influences and rhythms surprise occasionally the steady, powerful flow, but it works nice.

See? Hair metal can be done without looking like a punch of clows...

Next they released slightly more straight forward albums as the tours grew more international and the European & American influences poured in. Disillusion and Thunder in the East still manage to be great quality and one might even argue them to be perhaps the best releases the band ever made. The production is clearer and the hooks are powerful as the song writing is simpler - yet, they can still throw curveballs in the form of Butterfly (yeah, it's a slow song, but check out that amazing middle section, it will kick your balls off) and Run for Your Life (which gradually grows into a great, fast track). Their sixth studio album, Lightning Strikes (Shadows of War, as it's known in Japan) isn't bad either, simply not just as great as the hair metal gets too uhm... hairy?... but it does include the amazing title track (the forementioned Ashes in the Sky) which is an unmatched description of the nuclear holocaust sown in WW2. As part of the Japanese folklore, it is fitting that Loudness has transformed this tragedy into a breath-taking piece of molten metal.

...hmm... but unavoidably it seems to lead into this

They also have a bunch of great live albums and dvds, but I'll have to come back to those later. Now, go and check Ashes in the Sky and Lonely Player... and Devil Soldier... and In the Mirror... and Black Wall... and Speed... and Crazy Doctor... and Esper... and....

Phil Lies Not

8.9.

Ooops... Laundry day strikes yet again!

 

Forget U2. Thin Lizzy has to be the best band ever to emerge from Ireland (especially from my twisted metal perspective). Their double-axe attack harmonies changed heavy metal and hard rock (whether or not they actually invented it is debatable but they definitely helped to popularise it). And Lynott... Though he was perhaps more into good old time rock 'n' roll (if one deciphers from his solo stuff and weirdly soft experiments like "The Trouble Boys"), he definitely had a way with the simple, but striking puns within his often heart-crushing lyrics about unlucky Romeos who could not help themselves though they knew it would lead to no good. One of the all-time rockers, no questions about it. (And don't get me started on what a great live act they were!)

Thank God that crotch seem didn't split... or maybe the front row was all-female

So, as you can guess from the title of this blog, their early folk song stuff (and later Lynott's solo stuff) does not interest me too much. "Fighting" is the first complete solid album for me, though some of their early tracks (The Rocker, Black Boys in the Corner, Little Darling...) are great also, no doubt about that. But even Fighting is slightly on the soft side although the songs are excellent (even the haunting "When Spirit Slips Away"). So, Jailbreak ("Warriors" and "Emerald") and Johnny The Fox ("Rocky", "Don't Believe a Word" and "Massacre") are, for me like many others, the classic albums. Bad Reputation has way too many slow "ballads", but also includes "Opium Trail", one of their greatest tracks ever.

Thin Lizzy goes Marvel Comics.

 However, my favourite album has to be "Black Rose"... it's heavy, songs are stellar and that bass sound has never been able to be recreated on any album since! Even if you have just had the shittiest day in your life, you'll be reinvigorated after the fist-pumping "Do Anything You Want to". "S&M" is just a joke, but full of nasty attitude and even some black humor "He likes to beat the ladies... There's nothing wrong with it I suppose (and the female choir replies "Yes there is!"). "Waiting for An Alibi"... the harmonies go way over the top on this one... The ending section brings tears to my eyes and chills to my spine... And still the best is yet to come as b-side of the album includes both "Got to Give it Up", a very sobering and honest look at addiction and, to top it off, there's the title track aka "Roisin Dubh" which is simply amazing. I have never been into folk songs, but this track opened my mind to some of that stuff and taught me to appreciate the Irish roots they have.

I knew roses have thorns... But on the flower itself???

"Chinatown" is not that bad either. It does not include the brilliantly talented Gary Moore, but the song-writing is solid and the riffs flow nicely, especially on that title track. "Sugar Blues" is another high point. On Renegade the tracks seem a tad too long, my cut of choice would have to be "The Pressure Will Blow". Their final album (with Lynott at least) was "Thunder & Lightning" in 1983 some 12 years after their first full album release and that final album goes to show what makes Thin Lizzy so unique. Usually hard rock and heavy bands make their best albums quite early in their career (from 2. to 5. albums) and gradually they fall from grace. However, their best albums like Black Rose (Thin Lizzy's 9th ! studio album) and Thunder (12th !) defy this rule of thumb. Especially when you take that into account, tracks like "The Holy War", "This is the One" and the hit single "Cold Sweat" sound almost too good to be true! And, oh, how your heart breaks when you hear the desperate and yet so acceptingly calm "The Sun Goes Down"... or, live on that tour "A Night in the Life of a Blues Singer" where I swear, you can hear Lynott's voice almost breaking at one point. Like a good bottle of wine, it seems Thin Lizzy only got better with time... And there are not too many bands you can say that (Compare Priest's Nostradamus to Sad Wings or Maiden's Matter of Life to Piece of Mind, for instance... or St. Anger to Ride the Lightning...). So fatten the calf and thin your Lizzy! And "don't believe a word, cause there just might be another pretty city" metalhead I'm writing my blog to!

"ha... Now I know your dirty secret... Reading shitty metal blogs." Phil Lynott's on to you, sucker.

OOHHH! YOU F*CKERS!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Sharon ain't really saying that to herself - that's an order, if you don't wanna get sued your arse of.

I've been asked by yours truly to write about Ozzy. Well, nowadays it seems Ozzy can speak for himself  (unless it's Bruce Dickinson in which case Sharon does it for him), have someone write it down and sell it to Ozzy fans in a deluxe box set or an overpriced paperback. Unless it's utter crap in which case it can be used as a script for a reality TV show. Instead of repeating the same story told over and over again (and since FBI sent me a death threat if I ever mention the Osbournes' name ever again on my blog... wait, I guess I just did! Ooops...) I'll tell ya fu... erm, folks about an imaginary rocker called Assy Airbourne.

At least you can enjoy yourself while making shitty tracks

Assy was into drugs so he decided to go on a solo career from (ergo get kicked out of) Dark Zappa..th... (Yeah, I know this is stupid already, wait til you get to the end of this shitfest). So, Assy met... Andy Odes who was small in stature (like the guitarists in AD\HD) but was a mean, sick player (sic). They hired a few session players who were lied to that they would become band members:) They made a great album called Lizards of 'Cos. It ruled with hardly no bony tunes except for one, guess which one? It was not actually a heavy metal album, but very good middle-weight rock.

No, no... This ain't Ozzy, it's Fozzy Bear. See, he is with Kermit, that prooves it.

The group was great live, so they released another album called Dairy of the Milkman. Well, no, it wasn't the second album called by that title, per se, but their second album overall. And by overall I don't mean something you can wear. And by can I don't mean a tin. And by mean I don't mean nasty. (Okay, now's the time Mike Patton would come and say REEEDUNDANT REEEDUNDANT REEEE.... DUNDANT REEDUNDANT REEEDUNDANT REEDUN... DANT etc. for the past 5 minutes of the song...). Dairy of the Milkman is one of the best albums in 80s metal. Lower The Fountain, Deceiver, Diarrhoea of a Bat(biting)man, Dying Flies A Hen, O.T.S.A etc. What an album!

This is why you should reconsider becoming a dentist...

But tragedy struck as Andy suddenly died. So, Assy found a new guitarist called Jack I.D. He was never quite accepted by the fans, which is a shame because he was a great player. Like his predecessor, he had skill but also style to use it wisely. Most important of all, he could compose (no, not in that compost sorta way) great tunes like Shark in the Pool and play great solos on songs like Hating of Shark Ness (though the album was a bit fishy... but it could still bite you between the asscheeks). Soon another album, The Ultimate Win was released and, although an obvious hair-metal album, many of the songs were once again good - Secret Poser, Filler of G.I. Ants and Hot is the Shark (what's up with the fishes, anyway?) were catchy and still included some great solos. Well, the only gripe is maybe the keyboards are too high in the mix. Keyboards should not smoke weed anyway.

Kids need warmth and discipline... This is as effective as it gets.

Next, Airbourne kicked Jack I.D. out and in came another Jack... Jack Wild. A great player, but for me, a bit over the top and the songs were a hit and a miss. Lazy Maybes, yuck. Still the b-side was not bad, Higher in the Sty, Platooned Cancer and God path is Parasite. The following album is the last of the listenable and suffers from Megalomania (no, not the old Sabba... ooops, I mean, Zappa track). Good ideas, but watered down by the wayyyyy toooo loooonnnnggg songlengths.

So there you have it. Check out the first four albums and give Jake E. Lee a chance. He is not Randy, but he ain't bad, only different. Randy's stuff especially on Diary is untouchable but Bark and Sin are good also. Zakk has also a unique, wonderful style, but the songs, for me, just don't cut it. They are either annoying or rather forgettable.

MORBID ANGEL - too extreme!!!

7.9.

I have never been a big death metal fan.

Often even the best death metal bands make somewhat monotonous albums (in the fear of being called posers, perhaps?). This can be a hindrance if you are trying to make captivating compositions. Listening to Deicide and Suffocation (which are not bad bands, at all) I figured death metal was not for me - surely there are differences between the different tracks, but I could not fully enjoy the albums as I did not understand them - because I am a cretin, probably). But my attitude changed when I heard Formulas Fatal to Flesh. I could hear fast, mean blastbeats but also heavy, doomy songs in between. And the guitar solos (especially that second one on Prayer of Hatred) is so goddamn weird my brain gets twisted ev'ry time I hear it. So I thought, okay, there is one death metal album I can hear the nuances in different songs and I loved more or less all of it (well, except those three redundant midi trickery tracks in the end). Then I checked Altars, Blessed and Covenant and I was converted. Especially Blessed was an exceptional album for me. Domination is ok I guess, Formulas is still my favourite, Gateways and Heretic aren't half bad either in my opinion, though a far cry from the early albums.

Look mommy! The third one on the left... Is that Unca Herbie?

So far so good. For a long time we anticipated the next album, starting obviously with the letter I since MA has a military decision in giving names to their records. (A-B-C... well yeah, I guess you know your alphabets). There was even this bootleg floating around, by the name of Ignominious, I believe. Then we heard David Vincent was coming back and the expectations grew beyond all bounds of sanity (though I must be a heretic since I love Formulas (no David Vincenton that one) best). And what we received was something my mind still refuses to conceive.

God damn, who left the oven on???

Let's begin with the good things in Morbid's latest album. The final track is great. Because when you hear it you know you might just survive to the ending... The album is an atrocity, a freak of nature suffering in its dying pains and should be put out of its misery. I have never liked industrial music (though I respect a few bands on the field... like Ministry), but Illud Divided In Anus is something, as Monty Python used to put it, completely shittier... erm, different. I do not oppose trying new things out, but come on... THIS IS RIDICULOUS! If you do such a drastic turn, please, PLEASE, make it a good one! Oh the humanity, THINK OF THE CHILDREN! It is like the ultimate joke - "Instead of making at least a tolerable, safe comeback album, let's make something people will never get over!" Literally, this cd leaves brown stains inside your player. I would probably choose the new Justin Bieber single with 12 different remixes of the same hit song over this album.

Oh the dark lord... World of Shit is truly here, your travest... erm, majesty!

Now, to make the joke funnier they decided to make a deluxe box set of this travesty including - no, I ain't kidding - a whole goddamn altar you can pray on while listening to the ugliest, hairy and whimpering death metal album ever. Well, count me in to send you death metal gods a prayer of hatred for this release. Nothing could be worse than this, right? Right? Oh, god of metal and death, please tell me nothing can be worse???

Fall on your knees and bow to the GOD... of shittiness

Oh, there can STILL be something worse. This year, to complete the joke, they decided to great - wait for the punchline - A DOUBLE-DISC EDITION FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH REMIXES OF THIS.... BEAST! What could top off tracks as hideously perverted as "Too Extreme" and "Radikult" on the same goddamn album? I tell you what, how about THREE RADIKULTS AND SIX TOO EXTREMES!!! With a bunch of other deformed abominations included. (I believe they'll released this one soon in a deluxe edition that includes an inflatable Church where you can worship this masterpiece while shit is pouring on you from the altar... of madness!)

What do you get when you freshly remix the rotten-to-the-core ingredients?

For a long time I did not understand this at all. But now I see what they are after. Morbid Angel is no more the greatest death metal band of all time. They are the greatest group in comedy - they had some tough competition by other professional comedians, but finally, this double-disc set of remixes gives them the lead. Watching Monty Python there was this one joke, the deadliest one in the world, we never got to hear. I always wanted to know that it was... Well, you should be careful what you wish for.

Mustaine = Mother Teresa?

4.9.

I was checking Megadeth's Peace Sells 25th Anniversary Box set http://www.megadeth.com/pr/PeaceSells25th.html and stumbled across a review. These guys seemed to be all but falling on their knees in front of the box set - yeah, great music is the best thing in this grim, shitty world. And I agree, I like Megadeth and I like Peace Sells... But Who's Buying? though my favourite is still Killing is My Business (Hot damn what intensity it has even if the production is hideous) and Rust in Peace (Holy Wars, Tornado of Souls, even Poison was the Cure... Lucretia yada yada yada) Well... as you see, good music makes you doa and write useless, crazy stuff (Remember the Frank Zappa quote, anyone?) :)

Good shit sells... But Who's Buying (it for me at Christmas??)

Well, anyways, because of some anti-government critique (which, I must admit, Mustaine manages to pull off with humour and, one might even say, wit) one of the reviewers wrote that Mustaine would give up all his riches, bitches and fame if it made anyone happier... Well, yes, I would appreciate all your money, so send them to me asap, Davy-boy...:P Yeah, well, I can kind of see the point of this statement, but seriously, I doubt Mustaine is a samaritan of any kind.

"Holy Jesus!" "No, no, you idiots. It's Holy Wars!"

If he wanted to help people (if any of us did, really) we could give all our money right now to Red Cross or Amnesty or The Lost Kangaroos foundation. But we don't. Because we think it's stupid. We wanna own stuff, because owning stuff (we think) makes us more happy. More good stuff we have, the higher status we have. And really, all this shit just ties us down.

Well... Yeah, it's a cheap shot.

Dave Mustaine is a brilliant player (or... was at least on his heyday) and makes mean songs and albums (or... did at least before he took a RISK), but he sure as hell didn't start making his music to change the world. He wanted money... and fame... and hot women... and "refreshments"... in-vein, preferably. Do not confuse a great player and a great humanitarian. It really seems that the more fame you have, the better person you are considered to be. Well, in that case Sharon Osbourne, Gene Simmons and Paris Hilton truly seem to be the ultimate examples of perfection? Really? Are you serious? I say f*ck the famous, let's eat the rich! I enjoy Mustaine's skills, but otherwise, as a human being, I have much more respect and admiration to the wonderful people around me. Don't get me wrong, Mustaine (or any other rich, poor bastard) can be a swell guy and I wish you all the luck in the world. But money and admiration tends to make people self-centered, ignorant and unhappy. We lay people (no, not a sexual innuendo) will probably more easily find a real balance in our lives:) And you can't buy that with money... Though I'm still kinda drooling for that cool-looking Peace Sells 25th Anniversary Box set.

Justin Case

2.9.

Oh, but I do, I do... Honest...

In all the metal forums (well... those two that I ever bother to check out) I see intelligent metal fans bashing Justin Bieber. On Youtube EMI (or some other big music corporation, who even cares since they've merged into each other so many times already, daammmnn) had this Justin Bieber banner on an Iron Maiden video, so you can imagine what type of comments people were giving.

As an idealist I always thought that metal fans, who have always been forced to find their music outside the top-ten-list neatly handed out by the industry, are too smart to bash other people's music, no matter how simple or blatantly commercial or - if you'll pardon my azbekistanese - shitty it is. Nowadays kids have so much entertainment, video games and shopping hysteria surrounding them, it's a miracle they even want to listen to music that is actually sung (well, sort of) and includes a melody (well, sort of sort of). Think how much there is pressure to simply pick up a rap album, using 70s soul samples and spoken rhymes which in practise means there is actually no previously unreleased music on it at all. Who says your taste of regurgitating death metal urps and burps is any closer to singing or the band's clockwork-precise hacking of their instruments is real music? How sad and pathetic must you be to wish the death of a teen-pop singer who has obviously never even tried to do art, simply make catchy music for the masses? If there is an ounce of humane decency left in you, I beg you to reconsider your hateful ranting!

Well... I knew he was young, but this is quite a revelation...

Oh yeah, and one thing more...  I HOPE YOUR SAPPY LYRICS & SHITTY SONGS MAKE YOUR TONGUE SWELL TIL YOUR BRAINS CAVE IN JUSTIN BIEBER! #&{\@£!!!€½%]!!!

"Daddy, daddy, look how cute the puppy is..."

Vulgar Cowboys

1.9.

PANTERA... oh, so this is what you get using Google search...

 To be honest I ain't too keen on Pantera. I think they're okay, but way over-rated (as is Metallica, in my humble opinion) if you consider what they have really offered on their albums - that trademark "squealing" guitar sound is a merit in itself (well, "slight" influences may have been "borrowed" from bands like Exhorder), but even on their classic albums "Cowboys from Hell" and "Vulgar Display of Power" there seem to be those overly long mid-tempo stampedes, that really go nowhere (ie Clash with Reality, Medicine Man, Message in Blood, No Good, Live in a Hole, Regular People... and I ain't that interested in Cemetary Gates either). Yet, when they get it right, they do offer probably the only glimpse of hope in 90s metal - Mouth of War has enough goods for several great tracks, Fucking Hostile kicks ass and Rise delivers what it promises. Cowboys from Hell starts with that guitar loop reminding me of someone trying to start an old Skoda on a winter morning before breaking into a cool headbangable riff... Oh, and how about Shattered where their Priest (and Halford) influences are really allowed to shine:D

Let's try that again... PANTERAAA!

PANTERA goes JACKASS

However, I probably enjoy their "home videoesque" dvd "3 Vulgar Videos from Hell" the most. If you haven't seen it, it could be best described as "Pantera goes Jackass". It is filled to the brim with good music, refreshments and unmentionable body parts, mainly female. The dvd seems to bear witness to the camaraderie of a band full of - how shall I put it nicely? - idiots. And that's a good thing! They are not trying to be stars, they are probably having as much fun as their fans. Dimebag Darrell is making an ass of himself while playing an improvised song in the street with the crappiest imaginable guitar equipment. Pantera puts on Kiss make up and plays "Cold Gin" just for laughs. Those are the kind of things we should all be doing instead of sitting on our arses writing or reading sucky metal blogs! Only question is, if these guys truly are such good pals, why did they ever break up? Errr... Well, let's forget that for a moment and just enjoy a good dvd. All the other bands may have skeletons in the closet (well, Anthrax at least, Slayer let's em roam freely within the society), but Pantera doesn't. Pantera only has Projects in the Jungle. Get it? Power Metal Magic? Anyone get it? Nope. Well, forget it.

What posers... PANTERA would eat these hairdon'ts for breakfast...