KISS my ass, a bedtime story

A reader asked me to make a full review on Kiss Albums (not really, I have no readers so this is really just an awkward transition... or awkward start, really).  I won't do that but instead I'll tell you a completely fictitious fable.

Okay kids, gather 'round and shut the fuck up! Wanna hear a bedtime story? It is called "The KISS of a Lifetime" Here we go:

"Once upon a time there was a band who wanted to be famous, rich and have lots of hot chicks wearing make up... No kids, not the chicks, the guys themselves wanted to wear make up, that is.

I heard someone bought this album for their children as he thought the title says KIDS. Oh, and see the four happy clown faces on it.

The first Kisses were Hotter than Hell: Even if the latter of the two had a very muddy production. So the guys got Dressed to Kill for their third meeting, but the date was way too hurried and there just wasn't enough decent material. However, if you saw the guys ALIVE you were blown away by their thunderous rock music.

KISS ALIVE! ...well, in studio anyway

They got money and decided to attain a Destroyer (which sank after first three pieces) to bomb all crappy Rock and roll over (which was a good attempt), but they seemed to be more interested in rubbing their Love Guns than creating more than a couple good songs. And then they wanted to play these songs Alive too, which was an equally good decision (sides 1 and 3) as bad (sides 2 and 4).

They had huge di... erm, egos, and had sold Double Platinum (a cash-in on a horrible Strutter '78 and a couple remixes) so now Ace Frehley and Paul Stanley decided to make great solo albums, though the former is quite weird. Peter Criss created sappy and boring ballads. Gene Simmons, on the other hand, decided to ask all his former bedmates to sing background vocals to create sappy and boring ballads. They tried to create a Dynasty, possibly Unmasked of their make-up, but ended up with two shitty disco albums. Ace wanted a return to the Music from The Elder, better albums, but even if their attempt was okay, the band couldn't write any real Killer songs.

Vinnie suffers from a very rare form of blouse-color-blindness.

Their success was about to run down, but these Creatures of the Night Licked it Up with two awesome heavy rock albums. Now KISS was a real party Animal, eyes focused on them, but soon they seeked Asylum, as the songs were mediocre. Releasing an even worse album was Crazy, Night surely fell upon them and it really wasn't too Hot in the Shades. All seemed to be finished.

Bruce Kulick was chosen because he is not colour blind... And looks hot in latex pants. Oh, yeah, nearly forgot, take a wild guess which three member in this line-up used to dye their hair...

Surprisingly though, the band had it's unholy Revenge and were once again Alive. Three dozen years or so after they began, I must conclude that their newer albums are their 80's collection's middle name - ie Trashes."

So kids, shut your pieholes, assholes and other Simmons' albums and get some sleep.

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Drummer

31.8.2012

Well, as I have been playing drums as a hobby for twenty-something years, you might expect me to understand the refined and ingenious essence of a drum solo. But really I don't. What is the point of a drum solo anyway? If Dave Lombardo (world's best drummer, not only because of Slayer, but because of Fantomas, too) doesn't need one in a Slayer show, who does?

Perhaps my childhood horror plays a part - the first drum solo I heard was Peter Criss's showcase of stamina and perseverance in the midst of "100,000 years" - six minutes of beating the shit out of a snare drum, more or less. At that moment one of my favourite KISS songs really felt like it lasted what the title suggests...

SOMEBODY TAKE THE DRUM STICKS FROM THIS GUY!

By far the most boring one has to be by John Bonham in the dvd "How the West Was Won". How self-indulgent do you have to be to play a half an hour drum solo in the middle of an otherwise killer set? Think you could have included a song or two (or seven, for that matter) instead of this bullshit solo? And then you see Jimmy Page approaching the stage and smiling sadistically with a bow he stole from some poor cellist in the poker table the night before...

In earnest there are very few cases, ever, that I have found enjoyable by the drummer alone. He (or she) is there to give the rhythm, make the beat that is the foundation of the song and if he concentrates on playing the songs well it adds not only to the appreciation of the drummer, but also to the enjoyment of the band's music. As I mentioned, however, there are two instances that I have found myself being entertained by the drummer. One of them is Randy Castillo's Drum Solo in Ultimate Ozzy 1986 (both VHS and DVD versions exist), where he literally goes on tour... around his drum kit, that is, while playing (almost) continuously.

...Aaand there's the greatest ANTI-drummer of all time, Lars Ulrich in Metallica's Binge & Purge galloping like a mad cow from one drum kit to another across the stage during Four Horsemen's 10 seconds guitar break.

SOMEBODY TAKE THE DRUMSTICKS... no, wait, it's Tommy Aldridge... We're f*cked anyway...

So there you have it. There is nothing worse in heavy metal than a drum solo. Except for two drum solos... or a bass solo, obviously.

Metal is the Law

"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture" - Frank Zappa

The shittiest way to start a blog would be to make a million quotes like:

"de gustibus non est disputandum" - the ancient romans, who are nowadays extinct for a good reason...

But it seems obvious:  The style of music one likes is a question of taste.There is no right or wrong, really.

Pre Folk Metal? Finntroll, go eat your heart out!

It is kind of interesting how personally many of us take music... a song is a song is a song (sounds the title of a bad U2 track, doesn't it?) As a child I just liked anything that seemed catchy and easy enough for me to understand. As an adult (not mentally, but physically anyways... well, my dick still isn't as huge as Ron Jeremy's) it seems that I direct my attention towards certain kind of bands more. Maybe certain naïve charm and innocence has disappeared since I last listened to Rölli (aaah, the legendary Allu Tuppurainen...).

Yeah, suuuuureeeee....

Let's get one thing straight: Being in a big, popular band don't mean you are any good. Consider, for instance, stuff like Justin Bieber or Wham!... Or just about any band coming from Germany (har har!)... or Finland, for that matter...

Yes, Justin, how did you guess? You ARE my FAVORITE GIRL...

Hmm... Okay, now this starts to get interesting...

So, that is why it is perfectly logical that I enjoy ruthless, absolutely rebellious, but small metal bands who have never chosen money, publicity or hot ladies instead of great musical vision... Small, uncommercial bands like KISS, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Ozzy and Megadeth (note the sarcasm here? Anyone? Hey, is that you, Gene $immon$? With $haron O$bourne? (By the way, I hate when people spell their names with dollar $ign$... So, just to piss you off, I'll do the same:))) (note the triple chin there?).

Seriously, having an orange complexion on your skin can NOT be a good thing

Well, anyways, the top ten greatest bands ever to walk the face of Earth truly have to be:

1. Judas Priest (well.... not during Point of Entry or Turbo...
or the hideous "Stripper" Owens years...)

2. Iron Maiden (well... in the 80s that is...)

3. Black Sabbath (the Ozzy years... well, except for the albums with Ozzy (just kidding, but only just...)

4. Rush (not the heaviest band, but for once rockers who were more interested in music than getting laid... which is in itself a little worrying)

5. Megadeth (yeah, I know Mustaine must be one of the most annoying, whiny bitches to walk the face of earth HELL, but he sure knows how to make a guitar squeal in ecstasy... well, used to at least)

6. Dead Kennedys (yeah, not probably quite what you'd expect... the only punk band I listen to, if you don't count Motörhead (one part punk, one part metal, one part rock 'n' roll)

The Very Best of? So that includes Black Diamond ten times in a row?

7. KISS (well... not probably that good really, any of their stuff, but it was my childhood favourite, which I'm still stuck with... as embarrassing as that is)

8. Morbid Angel (yeah, well... for satanical, chauvinistic facists they are a bunch of swell boys... before Illud Divinum Anus was released, obviously).

9. SLAYER (hmm... what can I say... a band playing the same god damn guitar solo in every song since 1990 has to be f*cking metal!)

10. Kate Bush (No, REALLY! I am serious... Hey, quit throwing rocks at me and write your own damn blog!)

I wanted to end my first longer blog entry in a grand way, so I took a long hard think about the closing words. 'TIS OVER NOW! PISS OFF!

First Blood

30.8.2012

In a world where lazy, fat anusholes sit on their sofas watching shit like Big Brother, numbing their minuscule brains away... In a country where being a racist idiot is considered as the ultimate expression of the freedom of speech... In a town where most think Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga are the ultimate performers... In a neighborhood where everyone thinks writing a shitty blog no-one will ever read... Isn't it only natural the want the fight the system from within? To rebel? ...Aaaand, you've guessed it, write ANOTHER BLOODY METAL BLOG no-one will read :D Just to corrupt the system, just to be the final toilet bowl that will spill over so we can finally sink into our rightful scheisse...? Yeah, that sounds pretty nice :)

TSMEE! Look mommy, I know how to make the devil sign!

Can't get enough? You can also check some videos and audio tracks of my musical endeavours in the wonderland of metal from http://www.myspace.com/rextum666 Mind though, you won't enjoy it... Unless you're a hideously perverted masochist (which is quite likely if you're still reading this).