KISS my ass, a bedtime story

A reader asked me to make a full review on Kiss Albums (not really, I have no readers so this is really just an awkward transition... or awkward start, really).  I won't do that but instead I'll tell you a completely fictitious fable.

Okay kids, gather 'round and shut the fuck up! Wanna hear a bedtime story? It is called "The KISS of a Lifetime" Here we go:

"Once upon a time there was a band who wanted to be famous, rich and have lots of hot chicks wearing make up... No kids, not the chicks, the guys themselves wanted to wear make up, that is.

I heard someone bought this album for their children as he thought the title says KIDS. Oh, and see the four happy clown faces on it.

The first Kisses were Hotter than Hell: Even if the latter of the two had a very muddy production. So the guys got Dressed to Kill for their third meeting, but the date was way too hurried and there just wasn't enough decent material. However, if you saw the guys ALIVE you were blown away by their thunderous rock music.

KISS ALIVE! ...well, in studio anyway

They got money and decided to attain a Destroyer (which sank after first three pieces) to bomb all crappy Rock and roll over (which was a good attempt), but they seemed to be more interested in rubbing their Love Guns than creating more than a couple good songs. And then they wanted to play these songs Alive too, which was an equally good decision (sides 1 and 3) as bad (sides 2 and 4).

They had huge di... erm, egos, and had sold Double Platinum (a cash-in on a horrible Strutter '78 and a couple remixes) so now Ace Frehley and Paul Stanley decided to make great solo albums, though the former is quite weird. Peter Criss created sappy and boring ballads. Gene Simmons, on the other hand, decided to ask all his former bedmates to sing background vocals to create sappy and boring ballads. They tried to create a Dynasty, possibly Unmasked of their make-up, but ended up with two shitty disco albums. Ace wanted a return to the Music from The Elder, better albums, but even if their attempt was okay, the band couldn't write any real Killer songs.

Vinnie suffers from a very rare form of blouse-color-blindness.

Their success was about to run down, but these Creatures of the Night Licked it Up with two awesome heavy rock albums. Now KISS was a real party Animal, eyes focused on them, but soon they seeked Asylum, as the songs were mediocre. Releasing an even worse album was Crazy, Night surely fell upon them and it really wasn't too Hot in the Shades. All seemed to be finished.

Bruce Kulick was chosen because he is not colour blind... And looks hot in latex pants. Oh, yeah, nearly forgot, take a wild guess which three member in this line-up used to dye their hair...

Surprisingly though, the band had it's unholy Revenge and were once again Alive. Three dozen years or so after they began, I must conclude that their newer albums are their 80's collection's middle name - ie Trashes."

So kids, shut your pieholes, assholes and other Simmons' albums and get some sleep.