OOHHH! YOU F*CKERS!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Sharon ain't really saying that to herself - that's an order, if you don't wanna get sued your arse of.

I've been asked by yours truly to write about Ozzy. Well, nowadays it seems Ozzy can speak for himself  (unless it's Bruce Dickinson in which case Sharon does it for him), have someone write it down and sell it to Ozzy fans in a deluxe box set or an overpriced paperback. Unless it's utter crap in which case it can be used as a script for a reality TV show. Instead of repeating the same story told over and over again (and since FBI sent me a death threat if I ever mention the Osbournes' name ever again on my blog... wait, I guess I just did! Ooops...) I'll tell ya fu... erm, folks about an imaginary rocker called Assy Airbourne.

At least you can enjoy yourself while making shitty tracks

Assy was into drugs so he decided to go on a solo career from (ergo get kicked out of) Dark Zappa..th... (Yeah, I know this is stupid already, wait til you get to the end of this shitfest). So, Assy met... Andy Odes who was small in stature (like the guitarists in AD\HD) but was a mean, sick player (sic). They hired a few session players who were lied to that they would become band members:) They made a great album called Lizards of 'Cos. It ruled with hardly no bony tunes except for one, guess which one? It was not actually a heavy metal album, but very good middle-weight rock.

No, no... This ain't Ozzy, it's Fozzy Bear. See, he is with Kermit, that prooves it.

The group was great live, so they released another album called Dairy of the Milkman. Well, no, it wasn't the second album called by that title, per se, but their second album overall. And by overall I don't mean something you can wear. And by can I don't mean a tin. And by mean I don't mean nasty. (Okay, now's the time Mike Patton would come and say REEEDUNDANT REEEDUNDANT REEEE.... DUNDANT REEDUNDANT REEEDUNDANT REEDUN... DANT etc. for the past 5 minutes of the song...). Dairy of the Milkman is one of the best albums in 80s metal. Lower The Fountain, Deceiver, Diarrhoea of a Bat(biting)man, Dying Flies A Hen, O.T.S.A etc. What an album!

This is why you should reconsider becoming a dentist...

But tragedy struck as Andy suddenly died. So, Assy found a new guitarist called Jack I.D. He was never quite accepted by the fans, which is a shame because he was a great player. Like his predecessor, he had skill but also style to use it wisely. Most important of all, he could compose (no, not in that compost sorta way) great tunes like Shark in the Pool and play great solos on songs like Hating of Shark Ness (though the album was a bit fishy... but it could still bite you between the asscheeks). Soon another album, The Ultimate Win was released and, although an obvious hair-metal album, many of the songs were once again good - Secret Poser, Filler of G.I. Ants and Hot is the Shark (what's up with the fishes, anyway?) were catchy and still included some great solos. Well, the only gripe is maybe the keyboards are too high in the mix. Keyboards should not smoke weed anyway.

Kids need warmth and discipline... This is as effective as it gets.

Next, Airbourne kicked Jack I.D. out and in came another Jack... Jack Wild. A great player, but for me, a bit over the top and the songs were a hit and a miss. Lazy Maybes, yuck. Still the b-side was not bad, Higher in the Sty, Platooned Cancer and God path is Parasite. The following album is the last of the listenable and suffers from Megalomania (no, not the old Sabba... ooops, I mean, Zappa track). Good ideas, but watered down by the wayyyyy toooo loooonnnnggg songlengths.

So there you have it. Check out the first four albums and give Jake E. Lee a chance. He is not Randy, but he ain't bad, only different. Randy's stuff especially on Diary is untouchable but Bark and Sin are good also. Zakk has also a unique, wonderful style, but the songs, for me, just don't cut it. They are either annoying or rather forgettable.